Coping with caregiving when you’re not wanted

When you think back to childhood and the make-believe roles you may have dressed up as —parent, a superhero, or even a pet — I guarantee that pretending to be a “caregiver” for a loved one was never considered.

Forget even that far back. Maybe you’re an adult child embarking on an empty nest, or a spouse excited to live out your golden years as planned. Taking responsibility for another adult robs care partners of time and dreams. And for the person themselves, they’re not only coping with health issues, a fear of the unknown, but a host of losses, including independence and control.

According to AARP, “[O]ne in every four adults is a caregiver” – a role many are thrust into, at times with an unwillingly patient. Offering support to those who refuse assistance (yet clearly need it) can be fraught with challenges.

Next Avenue reached out to experts and care partners for guidance on 1) supporting someone who wants to manage their own health and well-being; 2) setting personal boundaries as caregivers; and 3) knowing if and when to walk away.

Whether it’s pride, a loss of control or cognitive decline, everyone comes with a history and a diagnosis. Not only are role transitions in play, but personalities and family dynamics can be as well.

Carrie Ditzel, PhD, Director, Clinical Health Psychology & Geropsychology for Baker Street Behavioral Health, offered that asking questions, calling a family meeting or working with a family physician are all ways to seek to understand what’s at the root of your person’s resistance and to begin shifting their perspective. “Oftentimes, it is simply a process of acceptance. It takes people time to adjust to being cared for, particularly when they may have always been the person in charge,” she explained.

In other cases, measures to gain control, for example, when a person’s safety is a concern, can be more extreme.

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